Welcome
to
Good Old Aussie Tucker
Great Aussie Family Comedy
PROMOTE YOUR WEB SITE AT AFFORDABLE RATES
A Pom, just off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:
Customs Officer - How long do you intend to stay?
Pom - 1 week.
Customs Officer - What is the nature of this trip?
Pom - Business.
Customs Officer - Do you have any past criminal convictions?
Pom - I didn't think we still needed to!
A Ukrainian migrant to Australia wanted to be a cabbie, so he had to go for an eye test for his drivers licence. He was shown a card with the text CWNSCZYZQOCTAZS. He looked at it with his eyes wide open, very surprised. The examiner said impatiently; well? And the Ukrainian answered; I know that bloke...
Fred: The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
Betty: (after tasting) Which is this one?
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mum, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
There's an old swaggy walking down a dusty outback road. A cocky (farmer) pulls up in an old beat up ute and says, "Would you like a lift, mate?" The swaggy replies, "No way, you can open and close your own bloody gates."
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
An Englishman, an Irishman and an Aussie walk into a Pub. The barman says, "Is this some kind of bloody joke?"
Did you hear about the butcher
who accidentally backed into his mincer? A. He got a little behind with his orders.Airline humour from Qantas
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident... Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
Thank You to Web Site
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A merry looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man said simply. 'Old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the old man for a drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were drinking their beer, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?' 'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
Access Hundreds of Extra old Aussie recipes
A bum was sitting with his back to a hedge, eating some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, walking her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the old man and tried to take the food. The tramp smiled expansively at the lady. "Shall I throw the little dog a bit, Mrs?" he asked. The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured "Yes". The tramp caught the dog by the back of the neck and tossed it over the hedge, remarking: "And if he comes back, Mrs, I might throw him a bit more."
A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and then tries his keys on five different cars before he found his. The fellow then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
A chap walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling wrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's bloody heavy."
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Billy, come in or stay out!'"
PROMOTE YOUR WEB SITE AT AFFORDABLE RATES
Strange language English.
There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways.
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out. And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all). That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up this story it ends?
And.......
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure ?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Access Hundreds of Extra old Aussie recipes
Create a free website at Webs.com